When do I speak without fear? Speak openly, without coded language, without funny nicknames in use?
Why should I make burdensome inferences and hope my listener will get my message? Will not betray me?
Where do I find he or she that I can speak to with confidence? Even as the world stews in confusion?
Walking on a crutch has never been, is never easy. Each step is deliberate, measured, requiring a great exercise of patience and capacity to bear the pain.
What I have variously called solitude or “me time,” what I also term reflection,
In truth is fear, anxiety, unending questions.
I have known loneliness, because a huge part of my life, at some time, removed me from the happy world of friendships. Like a snake sheds its skin, I reconfigured my social interaction. Only problem is that those who remained in my circle should have been the first to go. Great miscalculation.
A slip of the tongue equals saying more than I should ever say, a misplaced notebook or journal causes unending anxious moments. Look at it this way: once upon a time, in conversation about the worrying levels of careless driving and the resulting carnage, I thought I had scored highly, when I presented myself as a careful driver. For example, one who always tries to abide by the speed limits.
One of my listeners rudely interjected me. His view left me thinking so many times over about driving. “It’s not you,” he argued. “Rather, it is the lunatic hurtling towards you at over 120 kilometers per hour that you should be thinking about!”
A mistaken choice of words changes the outlook of my world. What is a world where I cannot consult, for in consulting I may say what cannot be said?
I know the emptiness of a world where trust does not exist. We only size each other up, taking turns to do some kind of mind reading stunts which I can testify is a dangerous sport. Where I must consult, it must be in hushed tones, so whispered, so carefully worded, I can only pray that my listener will understand what I am saying.
I want to say what I mean, and mean what I say. Not to give the impression that I am speaking in parables.
That cannot be too much to ask. Surely?